“A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.” ~ H. L. Mencken

The distinction joke here is more sad than funny, I would say. It speaks to the inability of people to grapple with the big questions of their life in any really rational way. We’d like to be able to communicate directly with God, and have him speak back, but we can’t quite, and at some level we’d be too small for the interaction. We’d like to be able to stop evil with our religion, by holding up a cross, say, or by squirting holy water, but we can’t. I suspect it’s better that way, but sad. We’d like to know how and why the universe came to be, and what happens after death, but our best rational efforts are helpless. All of this is as they should be, says the philosopher, and he’s right, but it’s sad that it is and that he is. And then the theologian (rabbi, priest, imam) says he’s got all the answers and all the powers too. It’s too sad for words.

The philosopher in this joke is (I imagine) a PhD scientist, like me. While rational thought is great, and a PhD scientist can actually predict quite a lot that will happen in some cases, we have no real clue as to why things happen — except in terms of other things that we can’t explain: forces, gravity, electrons. It seems clear that the answer to the big-issue questions can not be found in science or rational philosophy. Nor can science deal well with one-time events like the creation of the universe, or unmeasurable items like where the apparent zero-point energy of quantum mechanics comes from. Untestable, one time events are the basis of religion and not science: science is the opposite of religion.

We thus turn to the theologian. In a sense, he has the answer: it’s God, Jesus, Jihad, prayer… Perhaps these words mean the same thing, or perhaps something different. A theologian can talk about this for hours. He has all the answers, but when he’s done, he’s left them as incomprehensible as before. Likely he is as confused as we are, but he doesn’t know it, or show it. While something like God does seem to underly the concept of time, or creation (the big bang), a one-word answer, like “God” isn’t really an answer. Even though there appears to be a God, God doesn’t seem contained within the word — he’s not there. And calling “God” doesn’t give us the power we’d want: it does not save the drowning, or cure disease.

Though the theologian will likely tell you miracle stories, and show you a pretty picture: long-haired Jesus, seated Zeus, or a dancing woman with the head of an elephant, that’s God and it isn’t. The reason people believe the theologian, is optimism: we hope he knows, though we know he doesn’t. Besides, the theologian has a costume and an audience, and that helps. He keeps on talking till he wears the audience down. Eventually we believe he sees the black cat in the dark room called God. Eventually we don’t care that he can’t do anything on the physical plane. Theologians work in pairs to increase their believability: one tells you the other is much smarter and holier than you; the other one tells you the same about the first. Eventually, you believe them both — or at least you believe you are stupider and eviler than they are.

A wise and good philosopher or theologian is very hard to find. He doesn’t talk too much, and instead lets his fine example do the teaching. He does charity and justice (Gen. 18:18) and makes good lemonade from the lemons life gives him. He will admit that he doesn’t really know which set of words and bows actually open up God’s warehouse (or if any are particularly effective) “God speaks within a cloud” (Ex. 40:34, etc.); “[His] thoughts are not our thoughts,” (Is. 55:8, etc.). “No man can see my face and live” (Ex. 33:20).

What percentage of leaders are like this? “In a thousand, I have found one leader of men”, says Solomon (Eccles 7:28). “The other 999 follow after the women” (Groucho Marx).

My hope with this blog post is not to diminish the good of rabbis, priests, or other theologians, but rather that you will not finish reading the post thinking you are stupid or evil for not understanding your theologian’s many words. Also, I can hope that you will seek justice, help the downtrodden, and make yourself into something of value. Then again, you might be tempted to run off to a bad theologian — to someone who will encourage you to pray long and hard, and who will get you to pay him for a picture of God that only he can provide — that is, for his special picture of the black cat, in the dark room, that can never be photographed.

Robert E. Buxbaum; Amateur philosopher, and maker of a good glass of lemonade.